Well, this takes the cake! Hubby hasn’t been outside today (it’s beautiful – 76 degrees) so I asked him if he wanted to walk down to the mailbox and get the mail, out of the mailbox.

Have NO idea what he heard in his head!

He was gone- awhile. I’m thinking – is he standing there, opening the mail? Piece by piece? What is taking so long?

I go to the front door and look out. He has pulled up the neighbor’s mailbox, out of the ground, and is dragging it to our front door!!!!! Geeze!

I had to go next door, ring the bell, and explain. The neighbor is young, newlywed, first house. Could not have been nicer! He asked if Doug was alright and told me not to worry. He would take care of the mailbox.

I am lucky. The neighbor on the other side is an ass. He would have called the police.

If you are new, quick recap and list of characters. My name is Marty, 68 years old. I live with my husband (?) of 50 years, Doug who is 70 and was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s four years ago. We have 2 smallish dogs – Max and Molly. Current family situation – daughter, Lorie, her husband Keith, grandkids John Thomas, 19 and Lilly, age 16. My sister, Kathleen, her son, Kyle and his wife, Molly. These are my “in town” peeps. A five hour drive away, lives our son, Brian and his wife, Bethany, with our newest grandson, Jameson, who is one and a half years old. Bethany is pregnant again; due in July.

So you know – I put a question mark after the word “husband” because this is only a legal term. Alzheimer’s disease has taken my “husband” and left in his place this strange acting, strange sounding man who generally acts like a petulant 5 year old, who cannot be left alone. I had to quit my full time job to stay at home, with him and be his caregiver.

Okay – you are pretty much up to speed.

We have just made it through the Holidays. Thank you, Jesus! It was okay. Kind of lopsided. Usually, we go to our daughter, Lorie’s house (here in town) and open presents, eat lunch, go home. The only family here, to invite is my sister, Kathleen and her son Kyle. He is now married to Molly, as of August. This year, we decided to have it at my house, but Lorie would bring the food. Works for me! Our son Brian, who lives in Ohio, FaceTimes with us weekly. And for special occasions. But, they rarely make the 5 hour trip down to see us, in person. Never for holidays. So, I had No Spirit. Christmas or otherwise! Don’t get me wrong. I love Jesus! He knows it. We talk everyday!

Celebrating this year – Just not feeling it! Put a wreath on the door – I’m done! Doug, my husband, doesn’t know. Doesn’t care! There was a time – not many years ago – there were certain Christmas decorations that Doug wanted/needed to see, in place. This was the first year that he never mentioned them, nor where was the tree?

2019 was a terrible year! So glad it is over. Not much on the horizon for 2020, but Has to be better than last year! The first week of February, 2019, Doug got an ulcer on the bottom of his right foot. Because he is a diabetic, he has a wonderful foot doctor who we see on a regular basis. When she discovered this ulcer, it was roughly the size of a credit card. Also, because he is a diabetic, he is extremely slow to heal. What started as an ulcer in early February, turned into a ten month journey- yes, I said 10 months! – of daily wound care, not being able to walk, wheelchair bound fun and games. (That was sarcasm.) Dr. Shannon saw him every two weeks and then (like when you are pregnant) towards the middle of summer, every week. We got to know her, way more than we wanted to. I’m sure the feeling was mutual. He was only cleared to put on another shoe and walk on his own in the middle of November! The first time he walked into the doctor’s office, on his own power, all of the staff stood and applauded him! At least he is starting the new year on his own two feet! Thank you, Jesus!

Well, I knew it would happen evidently. I’ve managed to put it off for two or three years now, but it has finally settled in my mind. My heart is not having it yet, but my mind will not let it go. I am going to be alone. My husband is going to die and leave me – Alone.

I will be 68 years old this month and I have never spent one night of my life – Alone.

I married Doug at 18 and left my parents’ house to establish ours. Married now 50 years, I am at a total loss as to try and imagine what, in the name of God, I am going to do! Alone. My mind is doing it’s best to puzzle out how this could possibly work. What will I do all day? How can I possibly live in a house that has no one to talk to? Although, I have been getting a taste of that lately. Doug has days where he is nonverbal. Either because he can’t find his words or he simply has nothing to say. That has taken several months for me to get used to. But, at least he is here, if I want to ask a question. He can at least answer me. All our lives, he and I could, and did, talk about anything and everything! He was like a girlfriend! We would gossip, laugh, make fun of characters on tv, you name it! Until lately, I have never been lonely when I was with him! Now, what?

How will I spend my time? I don’t belong to a church, I’m not in any civic clubs, I don’t volunteer anywhere. A friend of mine once told me that everyone has to have a Purpose. A reason to get out of bed everyday, a reason to Live. Right now, of course, my Purpose is to make sure that Doug has the best quality of life that I can possibly give to him.

But, Later? After? The women in my family live almost always into their early – mid 90’s. What in the Hell am I supposed to do for the next, possibly 25 years? Alone.

I realize that I should be thankful for my (so far) good health and the family and friends that care about me. I have enough money to live on, but not any extra. But, I’ve found that, four years into this journey (with Alzheimer’s), I am losing family and some friends, stress and anxiety are eating away at my health, and money is a constant concern. I have spent the last few years, working on, and checking off, a huge “to-do” list. I have been so busy, that it is only recently, that I have had the chance to concentrate on the fact that I will have to start a new life; at some point. Here’s what is making this doubly hard for me. I have Never planned Anything concerning my life – Ever! I got pregnant in high school, married Doug at 18. My Mother and Doug talked me into going to college after the baby was born. I didn’t want to go, but did the best I could. When I got pregnant again, two years later, I dropped out of school and starting taking the first of many unskilled jobs. Telephone operator, receptionist at various places, etc. In my early 30’s, after baby #3, Doug decided to start his own business and “hired” me to run the office. I stayed there for the next 26 years until he retired and closed the business. It was hard for me to find a job in my 50’s, but with a little networking, got a job that I loved and stayed for 10 years. I had to “retire” in November of 2017 to come home and take care of Doug.

So, having been home for 16 months now, we have established a routine and I have the time to consider the (my) future. I have made a list of things/places that I have not experienced or gone to that might interest me. I guess my future will be a process of elimination. I suppose you need to mark off what you don’t like, to find out what you do. I have a couple of lady friends who (unfortunately) have recently become widows. I am watching them, rather intently, to see how they navigate “the waters.” I pray daily; some days several times a day! I think God and I are okay, so I’m hoping He will help me a lot, when the time comes. Later.

This Alzheimer’s thing is Unreal! They say there are seven stages to this disease, but they don’t tell you that your person will flip back and forth, between “stages”. So what is the point of knowing “the stages”? My husband has had several “stages” in the past few years; none of which was enjoyable. I was always so happy to move on. Unfortunately, the next “stage” is always worse than the one you just went through.

Alzheimer’s people live in their own world. A world that makes sense only to them. Because they can’t explain their thoughts or feelings, most of the time, you are left to play catch up. I equate the experience to being blindfolded and playing hide and go seek! Their reality is theirs! It makes no sense to anyone but them. You can not explain nor argue. You have to try to live in theirs. For several months now, Doug has accused me of “stealing” his social security check each month. He got to a point where I would catch him standing outside by the mailbox, waiting for the mailman. I tried to explain to him that they no longer send checks, but have direct deposit into the bank account. He wanted to go to the bank and “see his money”. I am usually really good about dodging, redirecting, or lying when necessary. We avoided going to the bank that day. He brought the subject up again in another couple of weeks.

The day after Christmas, we were running errands. Doug insisted I drive him to the bank. I really couldn’t come up with a plausible excuse not to. I waited for him in the car. Figured, he would go in, ask what the balance of the account was, and come back out. (He could have asked me, but obviously he wouldn’t because he thinks I am stealing). He did come out pretty quickly, but he had withdrawn all the money out of the checking account!! It was a healthy amount because I had not paid the mortgage yet.

That night, I sat him down, showed him the mortgage payment. I explained that I had to have the money back to make the payment the next day. He wasn’t happy, but I took him with me to the bank so he could “see” me making the payment.

Two things happened as a result of this. Because I have his POA, the next day, I had his name removed from the checking account. When it dawned on me that all he wanted was something to put in his wallet, I ordered Fake Money off of Amazon!!! Who on earth could imagine you can buy such a thing? When it comes in, I will replace the Real money in his wallet! This guy keeps me on my toes! 🤑

My husband, basically, started from nothing. Couldn’t finish college. We didn’t have money for books. I was four months pregnant when we married. His priorities changed to – what can I do to make money for my family? From that point on, it was never about him. It was always about what me and our three kids needed/wanted. He was a wonderful husband and father. He was a hard working man. Rarely spent money on himself. Didn’t play cards or gamble. Drank a little beer on weekends. He was a family man. Loved me and those kids. Always wanted to spend his time with us. He provided for us. Always.

The thing that he didn’t provide for, was the future. Didn’t believe in it? Didn’t think it was coming? In denial, or just too cheap? I think it was a combination of several things. Especially with money, you have to be taught. You have to have a good teacher/influence and you have to be willing to learn and cooperate. Neither he or I had those kind of people in our lives. He came from a very broken, dysfunctional home. Although my parents remained church going, married people, it was a facade. Doug and I had to learn, on our own, how to “wing it.” And that applied to every area of our lives. Especially money. Both of us worked, everyday, but without education, college, you (I) was very limited in my job search. So for most of our lives, I took entry level positions in various jobs. Doug, quite by accident, took a sales job and found his calling! He was awesome, and I think, he enjoyed the job for several years. He certainly enjoyed the money. Without a lot of effort on his part (he was a charmer and natural nice guy), he could make 4-5 times what others his age were making. Again, I stress this is for someone who doesn’t have a college degree. Anyway, the years went by. We didn’t concern ourselves much with money. If we needed something more, Doug just sold more that week/month. We didn’t live above our means. We have been married for 49 years. In all that time, we only had one new car and only lived in two different houses. We built our current home 39 years ago. Yes, 39.

Along the way, we started our own business and as a nod to the future, Doug started buying rental properties. So what I will say about that is that Doug got the very, very minimum anything that he had to get, by law. The least amount of insurance for the rental properties, business, and our home. Since we had used cars, that we bought in cash, we did not have to carry liability insurance. He refused to buy life insurance. He and I did not have a “salary” from the business, so we did not have payroll taxes. He refused to make a will. Living or otherwise. We had no retirement savings. No 401k, nothing. We would live off the rental income. Doug did our income taxes each year.

Fast forward to fall of 2015, when Doug, at age 66, was diagnosed with early on set Alzheimer’s disease. To say that was devastating, is such an understatement. Financially, it has taken me three years to try and dig us out of the hole we were in. Because for the 26 years we owned our own business, but did not pay taxes, our combined Social Security checks are laughable. We now have wills, life insurance. I had to sell some of the rental properties to generate cash. Of course, that has generated huge capital gains taxes. Oh well. That is not even my rant. Point is I had to quit my full time job last year to stay home with him, full time.

Since 2013, my roof has been leaking. The insurance company denied my claim. To repair the roof would not cost more than my $1,000 deductible. I did not have $1,000. The roof did not get fixed. Fast forward to 2017. At this point, my roof has been leaking for so long and in so many different places, my ceilings have been wet for so long, I have black mold in my house! Called my insurance company. File another claim. Adjuster came, went up on the roof. Came in the house, took pictures of the inside damage. Claim – Denied. The damage is too much! What? In the meantime, I have had, no less, than 5 different roofing companies knock on my door and tell me I need a new roof. DUH! Called my insurance agent. Sorry. Nothing can be done. Now, it’s 2018. Six houses on my street have gotten new roofs. Called agent again. She says third time is the last time. She sends different adjuster. He walks the roof. Comes inside. Takes pictures. Says that mine is the worse roof he has seen in years! He said he would recommend that the insurance company replace my roof! YAY! Finally! That was over a week ago. Okay Thanksgiving holiday, delays. I waited by the phone. No one called. I called my agent. Yes, she said. They mailed you a check on Friday or Saturday. What? I’m getting a New Roof? YAY!! As a matter of fact, the check came that afternoon. I couldn’t wait to rip open the envelope! Would it be for $10,000 or $8,000? I had quotes for both. I pulled the check out and glanced at the amount. Then I looked Really closely. That couldn’t be right! $1,616.30. WHAT??? They started with $10,465.00 Deducted $7,845.00 for Depreciation, deducted $1,000 for my deductible = $1,616.30!!!! I called my agent, screamed in her ear, What the Hell?? She referred me to the claims department, to a man named Scott. After he managed to calm me down, somewhat, he was able to explain to me that this policy had been in place since 2011. Because of the condition of our roof at the time, the agent and Doug came up with a policy that was similar to a “Renter’s” policy. The roof would Never be covered! So, now, not only would I not get a new roof from the company that I had paid loyally for seven years, no other insurance company would take me, unless I had a new roof! My anger, at my husband, was unbelievable! The urge to slap him, full in the face was very, very strong. Of course, I couldn’t ask him about it. It was too many years ago, so he has no memory!

So, here we sit. Every time it rains, I cross my fingers. Sitting, waiting for the chickens to come home to roost.

My husband Doug has Alzheimer’s disease. I am his only, full time caregiver. He and I are alone in our house, 24/7. I struggle to find something to talk to him about. This is one of the very hardest things for me. All my life, Doug and I could/did talk together, for Hours. About Everything! Since he has lost most of his words, it is days, sometimes weeks, before I have the chance to have an adult conversation. Without talking “down” to him, I struggle to find something to talk to him about. I ask questions like, are you hungry, cold, sleepy, how does he feel, in general?

My mother died of Alzheimer’s three years ago. No one in Doug’s family had the disease. Nothing prepared me for living with Alzheimer’s in my home on a daily basis. It took a couple of years to A. Realize and accept what the future was for us and B. To make decisions, alone, for our future, both financially and physically, without his input. I tried to surround myself with people who could guide me and give me advice on different subjects. I did, and continue to research this disease and how I can help myself and my husband on this extremely difficult journey.

Doug cannot make choices. I decide, for him, what and when, he will eat, take his medicine, what he will wear, when to bathe, what time to go to bed, and what he’ll watch on t.v. I decide where we will go, if we leave the house. I make “dates” for lunch, occasionally, with friends. The downside is that I am never alone. He is by my side, Always. We run errands together. I try to find things to do to occupy our time. He is not interested in much. We usually take a drive once a day. He follows me, room to room, asking can he help? I give him towels to fold, silverware to put away. Easy, repetitive jobs that make him feel useful. Once a month, or so, a friend might drop by. They don’t stay long. Doug can rarely hold a conversation, so friends are either bored or uncomfortable – or both. Lots of friends have disappeared. Quite a few family members as well. What they don’t understand, they can’t accept. Unfortunately, I have to accept and try to understand, on a daily basis, what is going on in His world. Stay tuned.

Two weeks ago, a really good friend of mine lost her husband – suddenly, unexpectedly, from a massive heart attack, in his sleep. Shocking, no warning. He had seen his doctor the week before. Doctor said everything was ok. At the funeral home, I hugged my friend’s neck and told her how sorry I was. She looked at me and said, “At least you still have your husband.”

Uh, NO. NO I don’t. People really Do Not understand this disease and what we are going through.

I “lost” my husband, Doug, two years ago. The “man” I have loved and lived with for 49 years is gone, but not dead. Yet. The difference between how my friend lost her husband and how I am losing mine is that her’s went very fast and mine is dying slowly. Day by day. Alzheimer’s disease causes a person’s brain to slowly, literally die. Unlike cancer or heart disease, my husband looks, and basically feels, okay physically. (Except he has lost a tremendous amount of weight and muscle mass). Generally, you can not tell by looking at him that there is anything wrong. Until you try to talk to him or notice his uneven gait when he walks.

At this point, I feel like a single, stay at home “Mom” to a five year old boy. Even though my husband is 69, his mind has all but disappeared. Our lives together have changed forever. MY life has also gone. He cannot be alone. I quit my full time job last year to be his full time caregiver. I am home alone with him 24/7. I do not have adult conversations; sometimes for days. I cannot do anything by myself. Even in the house with him, I cannot do anything that would take my attention away from him. I can’t talk on the phone, or read a book.

Stay tuned.

One, just one, of the most surprising aspects of this disease (Alzheimer’s, if you are new here), is how isolating it is. I have worked very hard, for the last 3 years, to prepare for our inevitable future. Financially, legally, physically, emotionally, I’ve tried to cover all our bases, in advance of what is coming. One thing I didn’t consider, because I would never have believed it, was how fast, after diagnosis, family, friends, and neighbors would disappear!

I really thought “my people” would step up and help me with him. You know, like people do when you have an accident, or death in the family, or any other type of illness (Cancer). You know, people come to visit, bring meals, offer to drive you to appointments, Nope. Not happening. Best case scenario – Prayers. For which I am grateful. I believe in prayer. I believe in God. Not sure I believe in miracles. And that’s what friends should be praying for, on my behalf. Because there is no cure for what has happened to my sweet husband. There is no future for him, or me.

Family members are sympathetic, and will occasionally ask after my husband. “How’s he doing? (In relation to what?) Neighbors can be called on, but, that can be over used if you are not careful. Most disappointing, for me, has been friends reactions. Doug’s best friend, in the world, for 50 years, as gone absolutely silent. No phone calls, visits, nothing. My friends, because I can’t go out with them and socialize, have stopped calling. Any interaction with them, results in “I’m praying for you”. Which, again, I appreciate. But, hey, what about, call sometime and let me vent?

My “best friend” pretty much summed it up for me.

No one understands or knows how to help. She said, “I love you, but….”.

Hey! My name is Marty. A little back ground. I just turned 67 years old. I am a wife, mother, and grandmother. I am married 49 years to my high school sweetheart, named Doug. This blog is about him. Doug has Alzheimer’s. Just for reference, I will rarely call him by his name on here. That’s because he is gone. My high school sweetheart, my lover, my husband, my best friend, the father of my children has left the building. What, or who remains in my house is a stranger. I call him by different names. Mr., Popeye, Cecil, whatever. It keeps by brain engaged.

I wanted to share my experiences, my limited knowledge about this terrible disease, and to journal my days with Doug. Hopefully, I could be a help to someone else who is just starting their journey with their spouse. A few facts. There is no cure for Alzheimer’s disease. There is no known cause for this disease. There is no rhyme or reason as to who will get this disease. What it literally does is kill/eat your brain. Alzheimer’s itself does not kill you. Most people with this disease die of pneumonia, or stroke, or heart attack, etc. But long before they die, their brains are gone.

If you care to follow me, that’s great. But mainly, this is a place for me to go. I’ll curse, or cry, or laugh. Whatever the day brings. Join me, if you want. And welcome to my world!

All my married life, my sweet husband has made his world revolve around me and our children. Our lives were not perfect, but lots more good times than bad. He has always been the most kind, considerate, polite, hard working, honorable man I have ever known!

As of April 26 of 2018, we have been married 49 years. The day came and went. He didn’t know. I didn’t tell him. Since being diagnosed with early on set Alzheimer’s, I have slowly been losing my love. I’ve done everything I can do to help him and make sure he is okay. I’ve done extensive research into his illness. I’ve joined “support” groups, I have advocated for him and on his behalf. This is so different than if your husband just dies. This is called the “long goodbye”. My husband is leaving me slowly. Day by day. Sometimes hour by hour. All the things he used to do, all the things he used to be, are no longer.

This summer, I had to hire 5 different guys to do the work that my husband used to accomplish over a weekend! I now have a car guy, a guy to pressure wash and clean the gutters. A guy that mows the yard, one that trims the trees. A guy to clean the carpets, another one who paints. Besides everything else, Alzheimer’s is damn expensive!